I'm wierd, aren't I? Growing up I was a little bit of a nerd, then a really big one in high school, and now... just quirky. I don't care about the same things other people do, I suppose. I'm more interested in art, music, and a good book than American Idol. I guess I got caught up a lot in the being a good Latter Day Saint and getting married and making babies... but now that I'm a little removed from it, I don't know that I can honestly say I care that much about it. I mean, I guess I'm worried about being alone, but maybe that's not the same thing. I worry about living a life of quiet desperation. I worry about surrounding myself with people who care about things and like creating and exploring more than pretending they're something that they aren't. When I find people like that, I work desperately to try and make them love me, like it's going to replace the understanding that I have never really gotten from my family. I wonder sometimes what people in my Utah wards thought of me. I did my best to fit in most of the time. I think I was more tolerated than appreciated, but I guess we take what we can get in a pinch, no?

I'll share a secret with you though. Maybe I'm not scared about not getting married or being a good Mormon, but I am scared about being wrong about what's interesting and important to center my life around. I moved back to Portland because I wanted to live deliberately, in a manner of my own choosing. Not more evil or more unconstrained by rules... just... different. I'm not Brian, David Snow... or even Granger. I couldn't be if I wanted to. I guess I'm scared that they're on the right path to being happy, and I'm on the right path to... be wierd.

I haven't cut my hair since last June or so, coming up on about seven months now. I don't know how long it will be before I cut it again. It has become wild, unruly, and completely impossible to control or manage. I revel in it's chaos, I suppose. All of my friends seem to love it, which is good. I think what I like about it the most is that it IS different. When I used to get haircuts I always would end up coming away from it disappointed. After every haircut I look more or less the same, only with shorter hair. I've even gone in and said "suprise me, do something totally different than I've ever had!" and at the end, more of the same.

Moving time

Yes, yes, I know I haven't updated. Yes, yes, I know I'm a slacker. Lay off, willya? The holidays were nice, filled with ups and downs. One bit of news is that I've moved to new digs. I'm living with my friends Brian and Rich, and while I have a certain apprehension for the unknown, I think it will be a fun good happy joyjoy place to be.

There isn't really a huge reason why I've not updated, but most of my news and events from the last month are personal (friends, family, illnesses) and the sort of thing I promised I wouldn't fill my blog with.