Let’s get real, let’s get heavy, till the water breaks the levee

So... In continuing with my violation of Iron-blog policies, I have had many developments in my love life as of late. Well, it's not usually my style to announce this kind of thing... but I seem to be dating someone. Her name is Audrey, she had anime hair, and I am quite smitten... what can I say. I guess I could simply quote Prince and say,

"Let's go crazy
Let's get nuts
Look 4 the purple banana
'Till they put us in the truck, let's go! "

She used to have anime hair, now it's more of a pixie-pigtail look. We got back together some months ago... and things have just kind of kept going and going. I wasn't really at a place in life where I expected to find love again (then again, what do any of us really get what we expect out of life, eh?) So preparations are being made, though things aren't "official" yet. What the deuce does "official" mean, anyway? I guess my Pa was right: "If there ain't no ring, it ain't no thang".

Well then. We'll just have to see about that, eh?

Real Life, Real Problems

I think one reason I haven't written as much in this lately is because I've been exploring newer forms of artistic creation. Another is that there's a LOT of real life things going on right now with the move and the love life... and I promised I wouldn't make this blog a life travelogue.

For now, I'm recinding that. It's for an odd reason why, though.

I have sleep apnea. Well, I'm not officially diagnosed, but I'm in the middle of having a bunch of tests done and waiting to schedule a sleep study. For the uninformed, sleep apnea is s sleeping disorder In my case, it's been getting worse.

"People with sleep apnea stop breathing for 10 to 30 seconds at a time while they are sleeping. These short stops in breathing can happen up to 400 times every night! If you have sleep apnea, the periods of not breathing may make you wake up from deep sleep. If you are waking up all night long, you aren't getting enough rest from your sleep.

There are two kinds of sleep apnea: obstructive apnea and central apnea. Obstructive sleep apnea is the most common type. Nine out of 10 people with sleep apnea have this type of apnea. If you have obstructive apnea, something is blocking the passage or windpipe (called the trachea) that brings air into your body. You keep trying to breathe, but you can't get enough air because of the blockage. Your windpipe might be blocked by your tongue, tonsils or uvula (the little piece of flesh that hangs down in the back of your throat). It might also be blocked by a large amount of fatty tissue in the throat or even by relaxed throat muscle"

It's 6:15 am now. I haven't been able to sleep for more than a half an hour at a go tonight. I keep nodding off at the keyboard. I can't keep living this way. I'm so tired all the TIME. Anyway, I'm gonna crash for a BIT.

Hello friends,

James, Audrey, Kristin, Pete, and Paul are moving in to our cool new art house and we want you to come warm it up and break it in with us. We'll be gathering everyone we know to come and have an art experience with us and our good friend Emily Potter will be back in Portland to help make it magical. We have a vision of music, performance art, food, and excellent company and we need you to be there. Here are the particulars:

When: Sunday, August 14th at 6:30. (Performances will start at 8)
Where: 1505 SE Haig St. in Portland
What to bring: Meat to BBQ (or non-meat for the veggies) and a side dish (chips, drink, etc.)
We will provide plates, silverware, and cups.

There is an opportunity to be a part of an amazing performance too; we need as many volunteers as we can get to create an experience that everyone will remember. The time commitment will be very minimal (seriously, a few minutes) and you don't need any special skills to help out so don't hesitate to be a part of the magic! If you're interested, let me know ASAP.

If others would like to perform, we can facilitate that as well. Let me know what you have in mind and we see if we can make it happen.

Please bring anyone you like!

See you there,

Us

So, the new Harry Potter book...

Yeah, ripped through it over the weekend. Overall, I liked it. I think this one is a lot more movie friendly than the last two books. I also really like how the characters are really growing up. My sister is 14, so about two years younger than the Potter gang, and I bet it's cool to have them basically growing up alongside her. My one big prediction for the book came true (more on this later) But on the other hand as far as suprises go, NOBODY could have seen THIS coming:

Yeah... I know, I'm going to hell (again).

Noooo, it's not your time yet!

So my computer decided to squat down, crap it's proverbial guts all over my desk, and expire. Fortunately I have recently bought an ipod, so I had all of my music backed up. This freed me into going for the more drastic solution. So today I jacked the ol girl on up. Some pokin, prodding, a complete format and reinstall later, and things seem to be healthy and back to normal. Nothing like ripping it apart and building it back up again to sort things out with a computer.

On another note, I finished the new Harry Potter pook yesterday... good times.

On a final note, I have gotten a lot of mail and messages asking if I was one of the people who had hooked up in my last post. Answer: no.. but yes. I hooked up back in May... and things have progressed completely wonderfully. I'm happier beyond words to have real love back in my life with someone who cares about me for me, not the attention I give her, and is interesting in understanding the real me.

Come and face the change...

Well, obviously I'm making a few changes around these parts. I thought a fresh new color scheme, as well as a nickname consolidation (as no one really calls me Adub anymore) would be prudent. Please bear with me in case there are technical difficulties.

Also, all comments have been lost as a result of the switch... all apologies.

The end is the beginning is the end.

Man, what is it in the water here in July? My friends seem to be hooking up left and right!

New robot learns to play guitar, searches for Sarah Connor.

Check this out: Guitar playing robot

Wouldn't it be more useful to create robots that perform automation on things that humans don't actually like doing. Why are they even working on this when there are tons of jobs, like mowing the lawn or walking the dog for example, that I would love a robot / computer to do for me, so i could spend time practicing the guitar on my own.

And In other news, still no cure for cancer.

Still warm the blood that courses through these veins.

So here's the thing. I have two jobs.

I just started working as a counselor in a rehab facility for adolescents. It's way fun, and very fulfilling (thus far). I make a little better money and have insurance at my old job managing apartments. So, what did I do? Kept them both, of course. 72-80 hour work weeks are something I have done before, but there are other concerns involved at this moment as well.

Suprisingly, almost two months later, it hasn't killed me. I've learned a lot about what my body needs, what it's capable of, and what can help it go. I learned I don't have to get enough sleep for the next 20 hours... just enough for the next 8. I tend to sleep twice a day now, and the total amount is about the same as I used to get, occasionally more. I have learned that eating a little less and drinking more water helps me get through a day better. And I've learned that paychecks from two jobs is better than one.

But still the emptiness persists
Perhaps this is as good as it gets?
Though I've given up fighting, all my awful bad habits
And I try to live deliberately
Or at least with no regrets
Sometimes my life is beautiful
Sometimes I just can't bear it.
Yes is this as good as it gets.

I'm not as smart as I let on sometimes. Ever do something that you know isn't really that good an idea, but you want to do it anyway... and when it blows up in your face... you don't really have anyone but yourself to blame. And you sit down on a curb and say, "well, you're really quite pathetic, aren't you?" It's silly to do the same things and expect different results. It seems to be true that the more things change, the more they stay the same. I don't want it to be, but very rarely have things turned out how I wanted.

Oh yeah, happy birthday to me.

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

So it's been a year since I last cut my hair. So I went over to a place on NW 21st and got a little trim. I doubt anyone will notice... they barely took any length off, just a little bit of thickness and got some things evened up. I also asked the girl what she thought I should do with it, and she said that I should keep growing it, definitely, because I have really pretty hair.

Pretty. Hair.

Some things that people say downright amuses me. I never knew I had pretty hair. I bet some people might expect me to be huffy and stuff about how guys can't be pretty, but hey, I'll take any type of compliment where I can get it. I've always thought my hair to be rather boring, but some people seem to like it, and I like that it's not the typical BYU thang. Which fits me better since I'm not the typical BYU thang any more myself.

Right place, right time, never mind.

I remember reading somewhere that over 90% of americans believe that love is essential to their personal happiness. I'd be willing to bet that nearly every single one of them has a different definition of what love is. Plato said that loving someone is a way of appreciating the essence of beauty and goodness within that person. Then again, Dean Martin says that love is "whena the moon hits your eye likea big pizza pie". Maybe they both mean the same thing. Since we started scribbling on paper or drawing on cave walls, we've devoted more energy to defining the essence and spirit of love than almost anything else. Poems, plays, books, paintings, songs, pleading speeches below windows, tattoos we got when we were drunk. Love is perhaps the greatest of human preoccupations.

I love. I seem to be pretty poor at it. It either comes off as this wierd sort of loyal devotion, or this intense lustful codependancy. I've had short relationships, long relationships, passionate relationships, and platonic relationships, but I am now somewhat uncertain if I've had many good relationships. I've been so afraid of what the consequences of love might be that I don't know if I've been stunted or something in my heart's growth. Lately when the topic has arisen, I've kept the conversation factual or intellectual, and now I wonder if I'm denying my heart a voice at times. Nothing good ever came of making emotional scenes, right?

Still I wonder. If I don't really expect someone to be able to love me back... to REALLY love me back, what then do I expect out of life? Then again, maybe I'm fortunate that most people around me have issues of their own, and maybe the topic will stay just a bit under the surface. Maybe I'm lucky that I'm too scared to truly risk everything, because at least I'll never lose. Maybe it's better to be a man, and be content with what is real, and what is possible... and not keep wishing and refusing to admit to myself that I really do wish it. I don't know. Part of me feels like it's silly, and that I might as well accept that my... particular collection of attributes is a little too outlandish to find real love, and that good friendships can be almost as satisfying. Part of me still hopes that I can find the right things to say to unlock my heart and maybe someone else's. Part of me would like a real fruit smoothie.

A desire for peace.

I find myself remembering that my birthday is next week and I'm getting older. Well, I'm getting older every day (and yes, even dying a little every day, as a friend of mine says). Lately I have had time to reflect on how I am, how I was, and hope of what I may become. In some ways I have progressed and come a long way from where I was, and in others I am no further than I was two years ago. I remember when I was younger I would hope for graduation, for acceptance, for love... and as another year draws to a close, I find myself wishing for peace of mind, of heart, and perhaps of destiny above other more frivalous things. Another dear friend introduced me to this verse by Swinburne;

From too much love of living,
From hope and fear set free,
We thank with brief thanksgiving
Whatever gods may be
That no life lives for ever;
That dead men rise up never;
That even the weariest river
Winds somewhere safe to sea.

I must admit I wrote this whole entry so I could stare at that verse some more. There's something about it that captures my mind at the moment.

Becoming Effortless

I will begin with an illustration from the writing of Chuang-tse:

On his way back from the K'un-lun Mountains, the Yellow Emperor lost the dark pearl of Tao. He sent Knowledge to find it, but Knowledge was unable to understand it. He sent Distant Vision, but Distant Vision was unable to see it. He sent Eloquence, but Eloquence was unable to describe it.

Finally, he sent Empty Mind, and Empty Mind came back with the pearl.

Only in keeping the mind open and accepting things as they are, and not what I want to make of them, have I really made much progress in life, at least lately. I have found that I tend to find my way more when I act more effortlessly. What does it mean? The funny part is, I have better luck understanding it when I let it come to me.

Coincidence?

I don't believe in coincidences. Especially when they start piling up. A few weeks ago, I was sitting at work, and a woman walked into my office and was holding some flowers. She said that someone had given them to her, but that she was allergic, and handed them to me. I put them in a little water, and thought about them. They were lilies, which happened to be the favorite flower of an ex of mine. We had done the friendship thing, but it had gone hot and cold, and seemed to be headed to permanantly superficial in the "hi, how are you, how's work?" sense. Then the phone rang. It was said ex, asking if she could come over and hang out with me at work (something we used to do a bit, but hadn't in months and months. So she came over, the flowers were a nice suprise, and we seemed to have a nice relaxed time just hanging out. Now, a month later, we're like peas and carrots again.

Last week I was at Saturday's market, and I noticed one of those artisan carving booths had the name of a friend of mine up on a plaque, a fairly non standard name at that. It was no suprise to literally run into her and her husband at guitar center that afternoon.

I was discussing these and other strange coincidences with a dear friend the other day, and she wondered if these kinds of things are always happening, and we're just not reflective enough to notice, or if there really are periods of greater confluence in our lives. I'm not sure. I've been doing my best to live my life with less analysis, and more immediacy.