Assertion. Noun. 1: A declaration that is made emphatically. 2: The act of affirming or asserting or stating something.

I think being assertive is commonly taken to be a male trait in our society, as women used to be taught to be demure, which is often taken to the extreme of being passive. I don’t like passive, which is to say I don’t respect it very much. Don’t get me wrong, I like silence a LOT, but there’s a difference between not saying anything because you don’t have anything important to say, and not saying anything because you don’t dare. In my dating history, I tended to enjoy the company of more independent women. My wife is a fairly strong willed lady. But it’s interesting to me how many people allow themselves to be walked on, because they don’t want to be rude, or perhaps feel like they could be wrong.

I have come to the conclusion lately that I am not just going to let people exert their will on me anymore. If that makes me rude because I’m telling some call center slave something they don’t want to hear, that’s fine, I’ll be able to sleep at night with that on my conscience.A couple weeks ago, Comcast called to find out why the check we sent them for our service was $30 short, and mentioned that if the full payment wasn’t received, there would be a LATE FEE! (dum-dum-DUM!). The reason was I gave the installer a $30 check when we had the internet and cable installed, and was told that this would be applied to the first bill. It wasn’t. But I was told that and even had the receipt to that effect. The lady on the phone started to try to pass the buck and told me I’d have to talk to billing and that it wasn’t her department, when I stopped her in mid-sentence and said no. No, I wasn’t going to call billing, I gave her company a check and if they couldn’t find it, that was their problem, and that if they were going to call me up and threaten me with a late fee, it was inappropriate to be then trying to send me on a game of phone tag within their bureaucracy. She tried to say that it wasn’t on her system, but I wasn’t going to let her off the hook. I told her that I had given her company a check and now she was telling me that they didn’t know what happened to it, and that she needed to find out whether it was lost, or stolen, or heaven knows what, and that it was not my responsibility to be doing her company’s work for them. She said she’d forward this issue to her manager, and I told her that I expected a return call to resolve the issue and to make a note of it on the case. Three days later, I got a call, and all was well. I didn’t have to deal with a single robotic phone menu. I can't help but think that if they had called me at another juncture in life, I would have followed their instructions and whined and complained about having to deal with Comcast. Was I rude? maybe a tiny bit, but no less rude than a company making a customer track down a payment that the company itself had misplaced.

Yesterday I went to the parking garage where our treatment team has parking passes, one of those little ratty buildings that's been converted into a parking garage. The guys that run the place overbook the lot, so occasionally they have to operate like a valet service and double and triple park cars (they totaled my manager's car there once, but that's another story). They had double parked a car across from mine making it tough to get out. Now I don't have the nicest car, but it is pretty new and it was just too close a shave to get out, I tried backing out several different ways, and none of them were good. I go downstairs and tell parking garage monkey that I need the silver Sentra across from my car moved. He walks upstairs and and then tells me that he doesn't have the key on him and tries to tell me to back it out again. I looked at him, and said "No. You. Move. That. Car. Right. Now." He again said that he didn't have the key on him, and I said "You should have thought of that before you came upstairs when I told you which car needed to be moved, now you're going to have to go back downstairs and get it." Now, I'm sure he isn't my biggest fan now, but hey, I'm just not going to do other people's jobs for them anymore.

Do you find yourself bending over backwards just to get treated like a human when you're a customer? You might need Assertion, a new fragrance by James. Do you find yourself telling stories that begin or end with "I can't believe he/she/they treated me like that!?!?" You too might need Assertion. Companies, stores, service personel will only treat you like that if you let them. For some people (Samuel L. Jackson, Jack Nicholson, Megan Mullally, Mr. T, Sean Connery), assertion is a part of their character. When in doubt, think about how one of them might handle the situation. Sam Jackson is who I use.

Oh, but if you're my wife, trust me, you probably don't need Assertion.

Well then...

So I come in to work this morning and find out one of my clients jumped off the Burnside bridge. He survived, thankfully enough. Apparently God told him to do it, and he though he was flying across the river Jordan. I hate it when God tells my clients to do crazy wacked out things.

Bad news: he jumped. Good news: makes my job of getting him into the state mental hospital a little bit easier.

ALSO: I have decided to turn off my cell phone. Anyone needing to get ahold of me during the day, email me and I'll spot you my work #, a phone I carry with me almost 24/7. If you need me after work times, call Audrey's phone! I decided two phones for me was too much, and to axe the $30-$40 a month I'm paying for it, since the new job gives me a phone.

My head is full of blackbirds

So I am trucking along at the new job. Starting a new job in my career chosen field is a strange experience. I know how to be a case manager or a counselor or to interact with clients, but every program has different priorities and different people and different ways of doing things. This job has different responsibilities than my previous one, and eventually, a much greater degree of autonomy. The clients are also vastly different. In mental healthspeak, they are severe and persistant mentally ill, with histories of abuse, addiction, and violence. In layman's terms, they are the craziest of the crazy. I went with another case worker for a secure escort (when we're with a potentiall dangerous client, we don't go alone) We took this guy from our clinic to a safe house (that he was kicked out of later that day), and I got to listen to the most interesting disjointed conversation I've ever heard. I so wish I had a tape recorder. You'd ask him a question, and the first three or four words would be on topic, but then the next four would be an phrase about something completely different, and the last half of the sentance about something. It wasn't word salad... it was full blown sentance salad.

"You know, none of this is real... they say the world is round but it isn't... girls can't see colors... so the angels opened their hands and... you know I'm okay with you I feel safe... and I told the angel that I want to be inside if I can .... and make you feel safe within all the paper... I like magenta and gree but the bus is leaving tomorrow... Cars are very safe, they protect you..."

And it went on like that for 20-30 minutes. I can't keep an impresion up for more than 30 seconds at a a time... but really, it was kind of beautiful in it's own way. I spent time today with someone who lives on the same planet as I do, but definitely not the same world.

Wow

I am humbled by the awesome friends I/we have. I am just now getting to read all of your comments from the last few weeks. I had been thinking I was more alone than I was. Thanks to all for the thoughtfulness, support, and sympathy.

Oh, and I am NOT girly, T-Durk. I only wanted to go so I could see you and Kaarina. I got to see Kaarina the night before, so the biggest truth is I would have gone to see you! Ha! And you dare call me girly!

I'm an idiot.

Fixed my comments. It was all my fault.

I am employed.

So here's the thing.

I applied for a couple openings that my parent company had, and interviewed last week for a spot on the Core-ACT program, as a case manager and therapist. This week I went in and spent a chunk of the day with them shadowing. At the end the manager took me into his office and asked me "when can you start?" So I'm happy now. Too bad about that whole fear engine thing, but time makes fools of us all, I guess... not unlike the time I made cottage cheese in my locker. So all told, it's a new job for the same company, a little bit of a pay raise, some added job security, and even paid parking downtown! I work about two or three blocks from Powells, the best bookstore in the whole world!

So what will I be doing?

This program is called the Core-ACT program, it stands for Active Community Treatment. Basically it's a nonprofit that works to relieve the load on the police, hospitals, and community with regards to handling and caring for people with acute mental illnesses. Basically, the craziest of the crazies that blow out of the more ordinary programs. My exact responsibilities on the team are yet to be determined, as the program is basically doubling in size. I'll either be an "ordinary" caseworker, a Drug and Alcohol specialist, or the State Hospital Waiting List reduction case manager. So the next time you're downtown and you see the guy having a debate with the phone pole who looks like he hasn't showered in a month, say hi, chances are he knows me.

Mostly, my ire has been raised.

I've been angry at work a lot.

So, like I mentioned, I have ben actively searching for a new job.

In order to do so, I had to mourn the old job.

I think this is the first time that I've lost a job where I was not only doing an excellent job, but it was completely unexpected. Now that some time has past I have a better understanding of what may have really been going on. My program got the shaft from the director of the state's Counseling and Treatment Services division. He thinks he can get two counselors, a supervisor, and an office specialist to do the work of two managers, two mental health specialists, three counselors, and two office specialists. Obviously the quality of care is going to suffer considerably, but that's not CTS' priority, money is. That's life in the real world, true, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

But mostly, I've been angry at work lately.

If I have to sit in one more meeting while I listen to state workers obfuscate the truth of matters, I swear I'll jam my ballpoint pen directly into the base of my skull and kill myself. But oh no, that will not be the end of it. When my tainted spirit finds it's ultimate destination, I will topple the master of that dark place. From my black throne I will lash together a machine of bone and blood, and fueled by my hatred this fear engine will bore a hole between that world and this one. When it happens, all they will hear is the sound of children screaming, as if from a great distance. A smoking orb of nothing will form and pulsate above their expensively coiffed heads, and from that orb will emerge a thousand starving crows. As I slip through the widening blackened maw in my new form, they will only catch a glimpse of my radiance before they are incinerated. Then, as tears of bubbling pitch stream down my face, my dark work will begin.

I will open one of my six mouths, and I will sing the song that ends the earth, and all things that in it are.

Yeah, you could say I've been angry about how this whole work situation has turned out.

It's been too long since I've posted

1) Happy Birthday Audrey!
My wonderful wife is 25 today. We're going to dinner, dessert, and then a concert (The Samples are in town!)

2) Looking for work, had an interview that went real well, expecting offer soon, another interview or two next week. I'm not worried about being employed, but I'm contemplating the effect of taking a different position might have on my career.

3) I'm a slob.

Und hence

Thanks to the one person who called and offered condolences about my job going bye bye. I don' tknow where things are going ot end up or what I'm going to do next, so here's a dancing orc.

There's the rub.

So, here's the thing. Found out Monday that the state funding through the DOC had been cut, and our program is going bye bye as of the 31st of May. So my co workers and I are off to look for jobs. This cut is of questionable nature, the timing shady and dubious (mid contract). I wonder if we'll ever get the full story, but the easiest summation is that we were pawns in a career game move by one of the state CTS mental health directors. He thinks he can cut our program and get more for less money. He'll be surprised. State employees of my/our qualification level earn about $1000-1500 more a month. If they reduce staff, then quality will go down. The clients are of course caught in the middle... and unfortunately, I can't care about that now, I have a family to keep a roof over and food in front of.

I'm angry, of course. I love (loved) my job. I thought I was finally 100% on a career path moving in the right direction. I was doing something I really loved and being fed in a lot of different ways. Now, to further someone else's selfish ambitions, it's going away. Someone deserves to burn in hell for what they're doing to my family, to my co-worker's families, and the men we're charged to care for.

As for me, I have to go update my resume.

Argh!

SOO BUSY!

We've moved into a new apartment, only half unpacked. We're both really busy and I'm kinda lazy.

Work has been really high stress the last few weeks, there's a lot of political drama and a clique of clients who are making trouble. It's made work interesting, to say the least.

My wife got into graduate school, and we're all really glad for that. In 15 months time, she'll have a new job and hopefully be making more money than I.

We went to Skye's a week ago and had a wonderful time with our friends. We don't get to spend as much time with friends as we'd like. Good thing I'm married, or I might get really lonely!

Amberlynn had her baby, super-congrats. Someone asked Audrey when we're going to have a kid, and she said "when the one I have at home grows up". Ouch.

Hold fast enough to the Silence
And of the ten thousand things in the world
All can be worked on by you.
-Lao Tsu

I love me some peace and quiet. Which is admittedly strange since I'm a bit of a talker as well, an orator, if you will. Me, I think of myself as a bit of a storyteller (albeit a long winded one) and I like to paint my scenes with words. But I find I also have an appreciation for the opposite. I like to sit and get absorbed into something like a book or writing or surfing the net and just enjoy the sound of air around me. I can't study with music or the TV on. One of my most favorite things about snow is how it muffles the entire world.

Sometimes, when my wife and I argue, she will frustratingly exclaim, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?" And many times I just answer "Peace!" It doesn't seem to work. But like all too often, practicing peace tends to work better than asking for it.

Moving Right Along

We're moving into a new apartment this weekend. It's nice, a roomy 2 bedroom place over in the Parkrose area (East of 215 off of 122nd). I'm excited to get everything in and make it "ours". We got some paint and are going to do a wall or two, and we have lots of artwork, and I'm excited to see how it all shakes out.

So I just sent this to my wife...

Viva la Valentine's day.



Yeah, I know, I'm a nerd. Thanks to Diesel Sweeties for the idea.

Sitcking this here so I can refer to it later...

Whatever became of the moment when one first knew about death? There must have been one. A moment. In childhood. When it first occured to you that you don't go on forever. Must have been shattering. Stamped into one's memory. And yet, I can't remember it. It never occured to me at all. We must be born with an intuition of mortality. Before we know the word for it. Before we know that there are words. Out we come, bloodied and squawling, with the knowledge that for all the points of the compass, theres only one direction. And time is its only measure.