There's the rub.

So, here's the thing. Found out Monday that the state funding through the DOC had been cut, and our program is going bye bye as of the 31st of May. So my co workers and I are off to look for jobs. This cut is of questionable nature, the timing shady and dubious (mid contract). I wonder if we'll ever get the full story, but the easiest summation is that we were pawns in a career game move by one of the state CTS mental health directors. He thinks he can cut our program and get more for less money. He'll be surprised. State employees of my/our qualification level earn about $1000-1500 more a month. If they reduce staff, then quality will go down. The clients are of course caught in the middle... and unfortunately, I can't care about that now, I have a family to keep a roof over and food in front of.

I'm angry, of course. I love (loved) my job. I thought I was finally 100% on a career path moving in the right direction. I was doing something I really loved and being fed in a lot of different ways. Now, to further someone else's selfish ambitions, it's going away. Someone deserves to burn in hell for what they're doing to my family, to my co-worker's families, and the men we're charged to care for.

As for me, I have to go update my resume.

Argh!

SOO BUSY!

We've moved into a new apartment, only half unpacked. We're both really busy and I'm kinda lazy.

Work has been really high stress the last few weeks, there's a lot of political drama and a clique of clients who are making trouble. It's made work interesting, to say the least.

My wife got into graduate school, and we're all really glad for that. In 15 months time, she'll have a new job and hopefully be making more money than I.

We went to Skye's a week ago and had a wonderful time with our friends. We don't get to spend as much time with friends as we'd like. Good thing I'm married, or I might get really lonely!

Amberlynn had her baby, super-congrats. Someone asked Audrey when we're going to have a kid, and she said "when the one I have at home grows up". Ouch.

Hold fast enough to the Silence
And of the ten thousand things in the world
All can be worked on by you.
-Lao Tsu

I love me some peace and quiet. Which is admittedly strange since I'm a bit of a talker as well, an orator, if you will. Me, I think of myself as a bit of a storyteller (albeit a long winded one) and I like to paint my scenes with words. But I find I also have an appreciation for the opposite. I like to sit and get absorbed into something like a book or writing or surfing the net and just enjoy the sound of air around me. I can't study with music or the TV on. One of my most favorite things about snow is how it muffles the entire world.

Sometimes, when my wife and I argue, she will frustratingly exclaim, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?" And many times I just answer "Peace!" It doesn't seem to work. But like all too often, practicing peace tends to work better than asking for it.

Moving Right Along

We're moving into a new apartment this weekend. It's nice, a roomy 2 bedroom place over in the Parkrose area (East of 215 off of 122nd). I'm excited to get everything in and make it "ours". We got some paint and are going to do a wall or two, and we have lots of artwork, and I'm excited to see how it all shakes out.

So I just sent this to my wife...

Viva la Valentine's day.



Yeah, I know, I'm a nerd. Thanks to Diesel Sweeties for the idea.

Sitcking this here so I can refer to it later...

Whatever became of the moment when one first knew about death? There must have been one. A moment. In childhood. When it first occured to you that you don't go on forever. Must have been shattering. Stamped into one's memory. And yet, I can't remember it. It never occured to me at all. We must be born with an intuition of mortality. Before we know the word for it. Before we know that there are words. Out we come, bloodied and squawling, with the knowledge that for all the points of the compass, theres only one direction. And time is its only measure.

And his good friend Harvey...

There's a new client at work...

He has a friend named Andres that has been known to occasionally exert a bad influence on the client in question. Apparently Andres helped get him involved with drugs, and later with crime, assisting the client in some of his illegal hijinx. As it turns out, Andres doesn't actually exist. At least he doesn't exist in the mortal plane you and I now occupy. Now, I've had a lot of clients in my time, some highly functional, some not as much, but this is the first time that I've been around a person that doesn't exist, unless you count taking pictures with Santa at the mall when I was a kid. Add to that his interesting habit of standing around for about 30 seconds before responding to a question, and we've got a real challenge on our hands!

On Friday afternoon, while I was looking forward to the weekend, I was standing near the client not really saying or doing anything, and he turns to me and says, "He's taken pieces of me that I'll never get back." Then he turned and walked away. I may not forget that for a long time... "He's taken pieces of me that I'll never get back."

*shakes head*

The Birth Of Words

So Ansley was discussing on her blog whether or not it was alright to feel pride in your work... and I must admit that my first reaction was more along the lines of "well duhhh...." But that made me think about the meanings of the words that we have, that we use, or even don't use very often. There's an exchange in the Matrix Revolutions that makes me think about that. Neo is speaking to Rama, who is, in fact, a computer program:

Neo: I just have never...
Rama-Kandra: ...heard a program speak of love?
Neo: It's a... human emotion.
Rama-Kandra: No, it is a word. What matters is the connection the word implies. I see that you are in love. Can you tell me what you would give to hold on to that connection?
Neo: Anything.
Rama-Kandra: Then perhaps the reason you're here is not so different from the reason I'm here.

They go on to discuss Rama's daughter, Sati, and how Rama is attempting to save her from her fate in the machine world, concluding with:

Rama-Kandra: That is our karma.
Neo: You believe in karma?
Rama-Kandra: Karma's a word. Like "love". A way of saying 'what I am here to do.' I do not resent my karma - I'm grateful for it. Grateful for my wonderful wife, for my beautiful daughter. They are gifts. And so I do what I must do to honour them.

See, here's the thing. I'm bilingual, so I understand that words that we use are mere verbal constructs wrapped around an idea, thought, or concept that we're trying to communicate to another person. Words fail us. English is a delightful language, but can it really describe karma? There are words and phrases that I used often in Japanese that just don't translate into English. I imagine there are lots of things that work like that. I wonder why God made a world in which only small portions of the inhabitants are able to effectively communicate one with another? I speak the same language as my wife and we have a hard enough time seeing eye to eye as it is!

Life or Something Like It.

I work, come home, spend time with the wife, and on the weekends we try to have a little adventure. I read, I think, and I play a bit. Sadly, I haven't blogged about it. My job makes me question my view of the world. This is not a bad thing. I like having a different sense of perspicacity. I ask myself questions I've never asked before, and I see things from a different view that I've never had to consider.

Things like:

When should a person be forgiven? I mean for doing truly awful things... The Doctrine & Covenants and Bible both say that there is no forgiveness in this world or the next for someone who commits murder... but I actually know some murderers now. Who am I to say they're not worthy of that? Where does mental illness come into play? Is there really such a limit to something like the atonement? The scriptures say yes but my heart doesn't seem to agree. I have no conclusion.

Are some people not worth the effort to help? I have a wide variety of clients who take their recovery and treatment to a varying degree of seriousness. Is it not more effective to spend more energy helping people that deserve it? But on the other hand, doesn't everyone deserve a chance... the same chance?

It may sound negative, but I like that I have a job that stretches and challenges me emotionally, professionally, educationally and mentally. My wife is glad that I work at a place that appreciates me, as opposed to a vampiric institution like Northwest Behavioral.

New Toy.

So, I wheeled and dealed and canoodled and got myself a new iPod.



So you might be asking "Wait, didn't you already have one, goofball?" and the answer would be... Yeah, but this one is NEW. Old and busted versus new hotness. They retooled the iPod line, and this one had a couple cool new features for the same price ($300) as the one I got last year. The new iPod 5th Generations are thinner, lighter, come in a color other than white (finally), have a much larger COLOR LCD screen, can play VIDEO, and hold 10 gigs more than the original entry model... basically everything that made my iPod cool just got cooler. They're new enough that my old one was still selling for a decent price on ebay, so I made most of the purchase price of a new one from that. So now it's ticking away here as I upload my entire music collection. Gosh... these things are so cool! The saying is "I thought I was happy, then I got an iPod". I like being able to carry every song I've ever downloaded and every CD I ever listen to in a cool looking sleek device that weighs 4.8 ounces and is only .4 inches thick!

Much to my wife's chagrin

"So, what happens if they riot?"

In the event of a facility wide incident, I have been instructed to dispose of my keys and radio (though I never have a radio), and either barricade myself in the offices or try to get out of the facility. In the event that anyone is taken hostage, we will not be negotiated for. Federal law is that will be regarded as terrorist hostages, and the US government does not negotiate in those circumstances. Basically, there better never be a riot, and if there is, my co workers and I better never get cornered.

On the good side, our unit is segregated from general populace, so if there were a problem in the facility at large, most likely all of the inmates on our unit would want just as much as we do to get away from it. In the event that there were problems on the unit, my office is closest to the exit. Ha.

So, isn't it dangerous?

I get that question a bit. Isn't it dangerous? Do you feel safe? Aren't you worried someone will shank you?

Answer: I feel perfectly safe.

First of all, it's a minimum security facility, which means most all of the inmates aren't dangerous. Second of all, it's what Oregon calls a "release facility". Most inmates come here for the last year to six months of their sentence. I think it's better setup from most states where an inmate can go from total lockdown segregation to the streets overnight. It's like a warmup to getting released.

Second of all, if you know me, I'm a physically intimidating person. I probably have more inmates afraid of me than anything else. (I still have the beard and long hair, FYI) Combine that with the fact that touching me pretty much means a trip to the hole and 6 months more to their sentance, I haven't really heard of any inmate vs. staff violence since I've been in.

Third, most of them know I'm there to help THEM, not be a narc for the DOC. It's very much a give respect, get respect kind of thing. Respect is one of the chief currencies of the system. I think respect is so key because a lot of these men get fundamentally DISrespected because they've broken the law. Sure, this guy committed identity theft or that guy dealt smack, and so in society at large they get fundamentally disrespected. Sure, that's just common sense, but it's one reason why criminals re-offend... they never really get their membership in society back, once it's gone. I myself probably get more respect, and am better liked than average because I like to talk and joke around both on the floor and in my classes (yes, I teach classes). Humor and laughter are a little difficult to come by in prison, so if you can make people laugh and laugh at yourself, you'll be well liked. NOTE: this is different from being a smartass. There are plenty of those on the inside.

Ok, that covers that. What are some things you might like to hear about from my little world?

Life in Prison

Okay, maybe I'll be able to do a bit of catch up here.

The biggest reason I haven't been posting much lately is my new job. Like I've mentioned earlier, I work at a minimum security correctional facility. It's a whole different world. So not only am I getting used to a new job, a new schedule (I was working graveyards before), but it's really a whole different world. I've gotten used to the job and schedule part, but the culture is a fascinating and new experience every day. I also work pretty long hours so when I come home I pretty much just kiss the wife, eat some dinner, talk, and go to bed. I love my job so far... I get to use my education, feel like I'm making a difference, and have the satisfaction that comes with feeling like I do my job well.

So I figure the best thing for me to do will be to try and cover one little thing at a time. I'll knock one of those posts out tonight after dinner.

I've just signed the ONE Declaration committing myself to help fight the emergency of global AIDS and extreme poverty.

The first thing I'm doing is asking you to make that commitment, too.

ONE is a new effort by Americans to rally Americans - one by one. So far, over two million have signed the declaration in support of a historic pact for compassion and justice to help the poorest people of the world.

I think your name belongs on that declaration, too. You can put it there by visiting:

www.one.org

This is Bono's (and many other people's) charity cause. Over 2 million people have joined and are active. In two year's time, there will be more members in the One campaign than the NRA. To me, that's not a bad thing. I'm a pretty big fan of activism in any form but extreme.

I'm sorry I've not been writing... work has me so busy... and when I sit, there's so much to write or say, I can't tackle it. Went and saw U2 and Kanye West last night, it was awesome.

Am I the only one...

Am I the only one who thinks my friend Lumina:

And famous singer/songwriter Carole King:

Bear a certain resemblance?
Different hair color and slightly different coloring... but I guess the strong female jewish artist has a few other prominant genes that go around...