I'm wierd, aren't I? Growing up I was a little bit of a nerd, then a really big one in high school, and now... just quirky. I don't care about the same things other people do, I suppose. I'm more interested in art, music, and a good book than American Idol. I guess I got caught up a lot in the being a good Latter Day Saint and getting married and making babies... but now that I'm a little removed from it, I don't know that I can honestly say I care that much about it. I mean, I guess I'm worried about being alone, but maybe that's not the same thing. I worry about living a life of quiet desperation. I worry about surrounding myself with people who care about things and like creating and exploring more than pretending they're something that they aren't. When I find people like that, I work desperately to try and make them love me, like it's going to replace the understanding that I have never really gotten from my family. I wonder sometimes what people in my Utah wards thought of me. I did my best to fit in most of the time. I think I was more tolerated than appreciated, but I guess we take what we can get in a pinch, no?

I'll share a secret with you though. Maybe I'm not scared about not getting married or being a good Mormon, but I am scared about being wrong about what's interesting and important to center my life around. I moved back to Portland because I wanted to live deliberately, in a manner of my own choosing. Not more evil or more unconstrained by rules... just... different. I'm not Brian, David Snow... or even Granger. I couldn't be if I wanted to. I guess I'm scared that they're on the right path to being happy, and I'm on the right path to... be wierd.