The sad thing about all this is, I actually like chick flicks... but only some of them. I have now figured out that the chick flicks I DO like at least go through the motions of portraying men and women in something resembling realistic fashion. If I'm watching a girl movie, and the man is behaving in a manner that no sane sober male would, I can't connect to it, and end up throwing popcorn and making nasty remarks. So it is with tongue firmly planted in cheek that I give you the list of key relationship ideas I got from watching chick flicks.
1. You'll always meet someone by magic or random means. You can't meet the man of your dreams in a bar or at a party. It only happens either if he randomly shows up in your office, if he made some sort of bet about you, if he saved your life or from a fate worse than death, usually your psycho ex.
2. There's someone out there for everyone. Everyone is destined to find that one true love that they'll be completely happy with, apparently without having to actually work on maintaining a relationship. If you are alone, it can't possibly be because YOU need to work on anything, you just need to find someone who "gets" you.
3. In your search for love, always target schoolteachers, bartenders, widowers, or anyone who was once successful before hitting a stretch of bad luck. This way, when they finally turn their lives around or come into some money, they'll erroneously think that you were the reason.
4. If you're dating someone who is passionate about something, he will absolutely give that up for you because all men change once they fall in love. Never mind that the habits and passions he had are what made the person you fell in love with in the first place.
5. You can have only three friends: A smart friend who's pretty in a quirky way, a really hot friend who's kind of slutty and an overweight girl who doesn't say much. You can only hang out with these people all at once. If there's anyone in your life who doesn't fit one of those three categories, get rid of them.
6. Your boyfriend's friends only get in the way. The sooner you can destroy them, the better.
7. If you become pregnant, don't worry – you won't actually have the baby. It's just a temporary dilemma so you can break up for a month and he'll realize that he can't live without you – mainly because you helped him to get rid of all the other things he did.
8. If you're breaking up with the guy to prove a point, immediately find the best-looking guy in your office and invite him over to dinner, then hope the other guy shows up. When he shows up, he won't do anything vengeful like get drunk and hook up with the nearest bimbo. He'll simply stop shaving and showering until one of his friends goes over to his house to snap some sense into him.
9. When you finally get back together, make sure it happens in the goofiest place possible – whether it's a baseball stadium, the top of a skyscraper, a flower garden in central park (popular hangout for many a heterosexual male, believe you me).
10. Either you will end up living happily ever after, or you will find a deep friendship with a gay man that will end up being just as satisfying.
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