A desire for peace.

I find myself remembering that my birthday is next week and I'm getting older. Well, I'm getting older every day (and yes, even dying a little every day, as a friend of mine says). Lately I have had time to reflect on how I am, how I was, and hope of what I may become. In some ways I have progressed and come a long way from where I was, and in others I am no further than I was two years ago. I remember when I was younger I would hope for graduation, for acceptance, for love... and as another year draws to a close, I find myself wishing for peace of mind, of heart, and perhaps of destiny above other more frivalous things. Another dear friend introduced me to this verse by Swinburne;

From too much love of living,
From hope and fear set free,
We thank with brief thanksgiving
Whatever gods may be
That no life lives for ever;
That dead men rise up never;
That even the weariest river
Winds somewhere safe to sea.

I must admit I wrote this whole entry so I could stare at that verse some more. There's something about it that captures my mind at the moment.

Becoming Effortless

I will begin with an illustration from the writing of Chuang-tse:

On his way back from the K'un-lun Mountains, the Yellow Emperor lost the dark pearl of Tao. He sent Knowledge to find it, but Knowledge was unable to understand it. He sent Distant Vision, but Distant Vision was unable to see it. He sent Eloquence, but Eloquence was unable to describe it.

Finally, he sent Empty Mind, and Empty Mind came back with the pearl.

Only in keeping the mind open and accepting things as they are, and not what I want to make of them, have I really made much progress in life, at least lately. I have found that I tend to find my way more when I act more effortlessly. What does it mean? The funny part is, I have better luck understanding it when I let it come to me.

Coincidence?

I don't believe in coincidences. Especially when they start piling up. A few weeks ago, I was sitting at work, and a woman walked into my office and was holding some flowers. She said that someone had given them to her, but that she was allergic, and handed them to me. I put them in a little water, and thought about them. They were lilies, which happened to be the favorite flower of an ex of mine. We had done the friendship thing, but it had gone hot and cold, and seemed to be headed to permanantly superficial in the "hi, how are you, how's work?" sense. Then the phone rang. It was said ex, asking if she could come over and hang out with me at work (something we used to do a bit, but hadn't in months and months. So she came over, the flowers were a nice suprise, and we seemed to have a nice relaxed time just hanging out. Now, a month later, we're like peas and carrots again.

Last week I was at Saturday's market, and I noticed one of those artisan carving booths had the name of a friend of mine up on a plaque, a fairly non standard name at that. It was no suprise to literally run into her and her husband at guitar center that afternoon.

I was discussing these and other strange coincidences with a dear friend the other day, and she wondered if these kinds of things are always happening, and we're just not reflective enough to notice, or if there really are periods of greater confluence in our lives. I'm not sure. I've been doing my best to live my life with less analysis, and more immediacy.