Reflection

(I've been saving this post as a draft since sunday, trying to get the words right. Like with most of my college term papers, the "aw screw it, it's fine" point has been reached)

Ever have the feeling like you finally know what you've been doing wrong and why you're in the funk you've been in? But it's a little late in the game to prevent some of the side effects of your actions? This is the feeling I've been having the last couple of days.

I have an attitude problem. I often expect the worst out of people and creating unrealistic expectations on the people around me, so that when I'm disappointed I can turn around and say "there! I was right!" So when I went through the most recent breakup a month ago, the girl in question wanted to remain friends. This wasn't a scenario that I have a lot of familiarity with. I was distrustful and leaned on her to hard, while at the same time got uptight and stopped listening, the very things that make me appealing as a good friend in the first place. She got impatient and stressed over me and some other things going on in her life. I didn't take the time to get over the loss of a romantic relationship, and was perpetually wanting more out of a regular friendship, then both of us getting frustrated when neither of us were getting what we wanted.

The irony is that both of us set things up and made the choices we did because we both really did want to be friends, real friends. But sometimes when you try and force something, you break it. I sure hope that the damage isn't permanent, especially now that I can honestly say I get it. It's sadly funny that now when things have blown up and such that I finally take the chance to relax, take a deep breath, and really listen to what she was telling me... and realize that I don't know as much as I think I do.

I'm happy right now. For no other reason than I choose to be. Whoever is reading this, I sure hope you're happy too. Life really is beautiful when you look up at the clouds instead of focusing on the mud that's on your feet.