Right place, right time, never mind.

I remember reading somewhere that over 90% of americans believe that love is essential to their personal happiness. I'd be willing to bet that nearly every single one of them has a different definition of what love is. Plato said that loving someone is a way of appreciating the essence of beauty and goodness within that person. Then again, Dean Martin says that love is "whena the moon hits your eye likea big pizza pie". Maybe they both mean the same thing. Since we started scribbling on paper or drawing on cave walls, we've devoted more energy to defining the essence and spirit of love than almost anything else. Poems, plays, books, paintings, songs, pleading speeches below windows, tattoos we got when we were drunk. Love is perhaps the greatest of human preoccupations.

I love. I seem to be pretty poor at it. It either comes off as this wierd sort of loyal devotion, or this intense lustful codependancy. I've had short relationships, long relationships, passionate relationships, and platonic relationships, but I am now somewhat uncertain if I've had many good relationships. I've been so afraid of what the consequences of love might be that I don't know if I've been stunted or something in my heart's growth. Lately when the topic has arisen, I've kept the conversation factual or intellectual, and now I wonder if I'm denying my heart a voice at times. Nothing good ever came of making emotional scenes, right?

Still I wonder. If I don't really expect someone to be able to love me back... to REALLY love me back, what then do I expect out of life? Then again, maybe I'm fortunate that most people around me have issues of their own, and maybe the topic will stay just a bit under the surface. Maybe I'm lucky that I'm too scared to truly risk everything, because at least I'll never lose. Maybe it's better to be a man, and be content with what is real, and what is possible... and not keep wishing and refusing to admit to myself that I really do wish it. I don't know. Part of me feels like it's silly, and that I might as well accept that my... particular collection of attributes is a little too outlandish to find real love, and that good friendships can be almost as satisfying. Part of me still hopes that I can find the right things to say to unlock my heart and maybe someone else's. Part of me would like a real fruit smoothie.