But still the emptiness persists
Perhaps this is as good as it gets?
Though I've given up fighting, all my awful bad habits
And I try to live deliberately
Or at least with no regrets
Sometimes my life is beautiful
Sometimes I just can't bear it.
Yes is this as good as it gets.

I'm not as smart as I let on sometimes. Ever do something that you know isn't really that good an idea, but you want to do it anyway... and when it blows up in your face... you don't really have anyone but yourself to blame. And you sit down on a curb and say, "well, you're really quite pathetic, aren't you?" It's silly to do the same things and expect different results. It seems to be true that the more things change, the more they stay the same. I don't want it to be, but very rarely have things turned out how I wanted.

Oh yeah, happy birthday to me.

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

So it's been a year since I last cut my hair. So I went over to a place on NW 21st and got a little trim. I doubt anyone will notice... they barely took any length off, just a little bit of thickness and got some things evened up. I also asked the girl what she thought I should do with it, and she said that I should keep growing it, definitely, because I have really pretty hair.

Pretty. Hair.

Some things that people say downright amuses me. I never knew I had pretty hair. I bet some people might expect me to be huffy and stuff about how guys can't be pretty, but hey, I'll take any type of compliment where I can get it. I've always thought my hair to be rather boring, but some people seem to like it, and I like that it's not the typical BYU thang. Which fits me better since I'm not the typical BYU thang any more myself.

Right place, right time, never mind.

I remember reading somewhere that over 90% of americans believe that love is essential to their personal happiness. I'd be willing to bet that nearly every single one of them has a different definition of what love is. Plato said that loving someone is a way of appreciating the essence of beauty and goodness within that person. Then again, Dean Martin says that love is "whena the moon hits your eye likea big pizza pie". Maybe they both mean the same thing. Since we started scribbling on paper or drawing on cave walls, we've devoted more energy to defining the essence and spirit of love than almost anything else. Poems, plays, books, paintings, songs, pleading speeches below windows, tattoos we got when we were drunk. Love is perhaps the greatest of human preoccupations.

I love. I seem to be pretty poor at it. It either comes off as this wierd sort of loyal devotion, or this intense lustful codependancy. I've had short relationships, long relationships, passionate relationships, and platonic relationships, but I am now somewhat uncertain if I've had many good relationships. I've been so afraid of what the consequences of love might be that I don't know if I've been stunted or something in my heart's growth. Lately when the topic has arisen, I've kept the conversation factual or intellectual, and now I wonder if I'm denying my heart a voice at times. Nothing good ever came of making emotional scenes, right?

Still I wonder. If I don't really expect someone to be able to love me back... to REALLY love me back, what then do I expect out of life? Then again, maybe I'm fortunate that most people around me have issues of their own, and maybe the topic will stay just a bit under the surface. Maybe I'm lucky that I'm too scared to truly risk everything, because at least I'll never lose. Maybe it's better to be a man, and be content with what is real, and what is possible... and not keep wishing and refusing to admit to myself that I really do wish it. I don't know. Part of me feels like it's silly, and that I might as well accept that my... particular collection of attributes is a little too outlandish to find real love, and that good friendships can be almost as satisfying. Part of me still hopes that I can find the right things to say to unlock my heart and maybe someone else's. Part of me would like a real fruit smoothie.

A desire for peace.

I find myself remembering that my birthday is next week and I'm getting older. Well, I'm getting older every day (and yes, even dying a little every day, as a friend of mine says). Lately I have had time to reflect on how I am, how I was, and hope of what I may become. In some ways I have progressed and come a long way from where I was, and in others I am no further than I was two years ago. I remember when I was younger I would hope for graduation, for acceptance, for love... and as another year draws to a close, I find myself wishing for peace of mind, of heart, and perhaps of destiny above other more frivalous things. Another dear friend introduced me to this verse by Swinburne;

From too much love of living,
From hope and fear set free,
We thank with brief thanksgiving
Whatever gods may be
That no life lives for ever;
That dead men rise up never;
That even the weariest river
Winds somewhere safe to sea.

I must admit I wrote this whole entry so I could stare at that verse some more. There's something about it that captures my mind at the moment.

Becoming Effortless

I will begin with an illustration from the writing of Chuang-tse:

On his way back from the K'un-lun Mountains, the Yellow Emperor lost the dark pearl of Tao. He sent Knowledge to find it, but Knowledge was unable to understand it. He sent Distant Vision, but Distant Vision was unable to see it. He sent Eloquence, but Eloquence was unable to describe it.

Finally, he sent Empty Mind, and Empty Mind came back with the pearl.

Only in keeping the mind open and accepting things as they are, and not what I want to make of them, have I really made much progress in life, at least lately. I have found that I tend to find my way more when I act more effortlessly. What does it mean? The funny part is, I have better luck understanding it when I let it come to me.

Coincidence?

I don't believe in coincidences. Especially when they start piling up. A few weeks ago, I was sitting at work, and a woman walked into my office and was holding some flowers. She said that someone had given them to her, but that she was allergic, and handed them to me. I put them in a little water, and thought about them. They were lilies, which happened to be the favorite flower of an ex of mine. We had done the friendship thing, but it had gone hot and cold, and seemed to be headed to permanantly superficial in the "hi, how are you, how's work?" sense. Then the phone rang. It was said ex, asking if she could come over and hang out with me at work (something we used to do a bit, but hadn't in months and months. So she came over, the flowers were a nice suprise, and we seemed to have a nice relaxed time just hanging out. Now, a month later, we're like peas and carrots again.

Last week I was at Saturday's market, and I noticed one of those artisan carving booths had the name of a friend of mine up on a plaque, a fairly non standard name at that. It was no suprise to literally run into her and her husband at guitar center that afternoon.

I was discussing these and other strange coincidences with a dear friend the other day, and she wondered if these kinds of things are always happening, and we're just not reflective enough to notice, or if there really are periods of greater confluence in our lives. I'm not sure. I've been doing my best to live my life with less analysis, and more immediacy.

All I really need to know, I learned in chick flicks.

The sad thing about all this is, I actually like chick flicks... but only some of them. I have now figured out that the chick flicks I DO like at least go through the motions of portraying men and women in something resembling realistic fashion. If I'm watching a girl movie, and the man is behaving in a manner that no sane sober male would, I can't connect to it, and end up throwing popcorn and making nasty remarks. So it is with tongue firmly planted in cheek that I give you the list of key relationship ideas I got from watching chick flicks.

1. You'll always meet someone by magic or random means. You can't meet the man of your dreams in a bar or at a party. It only happens either if he randomly shows up in your office, if he made some sort of bet about you, if he saved your life or from a fate worse than death, usually your psycho ex.

2. There's someone out there for everyone. Everyone is destined to find that one true love that they'll be completely happy with, apparently without having to actually work on maintaining a relationship. If you are alone, it can't possibly be because YOU need to work on anything, you just need to find someone who "gets" you.

3. In your search for love, always target schoolteachers, bartenders, widowers, or anyone who was once successful before hitting a stretch of bad luck. This way, when they finally turn their lives around or come into some money, they'll erroneously think that you were the reason.

4. If you're dating someone who is passionate about something, he will absolutely give that up for you because all men change once they fall in love. Never mind that the habits and passions he had are what made the person you fell in love with in the first place.

5. You can have only three friends: A smart friend who's pretty in a quirky way, a really hot friend who's kind of slutty and an overweight girl who doesn't say much. You can only hang out with these people all at once. If there's anyone in your life who doesn't fit one of those three categories, get rid of them.

6. Your boyfriend's friends only get in the way. The sooner you can destroy them, the better.

7. If you become pregnant, don't worry – you won't actually have the baby. It's just a temporary dilemma so you can break up for a month and he'll realize that he can't live without you – mainly because you helped him to get rid of all the other things he did.

8. If you're breaking up with the guy to prove a point, immediately find the best-looking guy in your office and invite him over to dinner, then hope the other guy shows up. When he shows up, he won't do anything vengeful like get drunk and hook up with the nearest bimbo. He'll simply stop shaving and showering until one of his friends goes over to his house to snap some sense into him.

9. When you finally get back together, make sure it happens in the goofiest place possible – whether it's a baseball stadium, the top of a skyscraper, a flower garden in central park (popular hangout for many a heterosexual male, believe you me).

10. Either you will end up living happily ever after, or you will find a deep friendship with a gay man that will end up being just as satisfying.

In time, even death itself might be abolished.

I was sending an email to a friend today, and I wrote, "Do you ever wonder if there is another time period you should have, or could have lived in? It's something my friend Dane and I used to talk about on occasion when I lived in Utah. My first major in college was in fact History, though I didn't stick with it for very long... but I've allways had a certain affinity for times long gone. "

It made me think of Sgt Barry Benson, a South Carolina veteran in the army of Northern Virgnia. And antecedant of mine. My family originally comes from all over the south, mostly Missouri. Bring Mormon, it always amuses me to hear accounts of pioneer ancestry, because there's more than a decent chance it was my own forefathers driving them out. Barry Benson enlisted in the Confederate army at the age of 18, three months before Sumter and served through Appomatox. (beginning to the end of the Civil War). So when he got around to composing his reminiscences and memoirs, he hoped his words would carry some weight with his decendants for a long time.

Reliving the war in words, he began to wish he could relive it in fact. And he came to believe that he and his fellow soliers, grey and blue, might one day be able to do just that. If not here on earth, then afterwards in Valhalla.

"Who knows," he asked as his narrative drew toward it's close.

"But it may be given to us after this life to meet again in the old quarter. Play chess and drafts and get up soon to answer the morning roll call. To fall in at the tap of the drum for drill and dress parade. And again to hastily don our war gear while the monotonous patter of a long roll summons to battle . Who knows but again the old flags ragged and torn, snapping in the wind may face each other in flutter pursuing and pursued, while the cries of victory fill a summer day. And after the battle, then the slain and wounded will arise and all will meet together under the two flags all sound and well. There will be talking and laughter and cheers and all will say, 'Did it not seem real? Was it not as in the old days?'"

What a thing it must be to look back on a life and have something so epic and glorious in it. There's no undiscovered country for me to discover or new land to tame, now. Perhaps I should have indeed been born in a different time.

Setec Astronomy

Like some, I recently found the blog of secrets, located at

http://postsecret.blogspot.com

It's a blog where people send in a postcard with writing or artwork describing a secret they have. Naturally, I started thinking about secrets of my own. I have a lot. Most people would agree that I wear my heart on my sleeve quite a bit, and I suppose that would lead one to think that they know all their is to know about me, which I generally suppose is the point. I'm open about a lot of things because life's to short to be misunderstood... but the things I don't talk about, I keep quiet about because I don't want you to know.

What would my card look like? What would yours?

So someone asked me...

I was asked "what movies would you say I HAVE to see?" by a friend the other day. I thought about it a bit, and decided there's no accounting for your taste, and told you to piss off. Now I think about it some more, and I think I will make a little list of movies that I treasure a lot. I admit, I like me some wierd trade, but if you're a Titanic and Princess Bride type, that's all well and good for you. I love film as art, so I tend to like headier wierder things.

So, with no further adieu, here's my...

LIST OF MOVIES THAT FEED MY MIND...
Garden State
Donnie Darko
Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
The Hours
I Heart Huckabees
Clerks
Good Will Hunting
Memento
Spirited Away

BEAUTIFUL MOVIES...(style baby, style)
Hero
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
The Ring
The Matrix
What Dreams May Come
Ghost In The Shell 1&2

CLASSICS... The good do not die young!
2001: A Space Odyssey
Harold and Maude
Kramer vs Kramer
The Dirty Dozen
My Fair Lady
Enter The Dragon
Apocalypse Now

Yes, I know it's a fairly pedestrian topic for a blog post, but I put it on here so that I can refer to it later. And the month difference between my last post and the current date was starting to make me feel guilty.

I'm wierd, aren't I? Growing up I was a little bit of a nerd, then a really big one in high school, and now... just quirky. I don't care about the same things other people do, I suppose. I'm more interested in art, music, and a good book than American Idol. I guess I got caught up a lot in the being a good Latter Day Saint and getting married and making babies... but now that I'm a little removed from it, I don't know that I can honestly say I care that much about it. I mean, I guess I'm worried about being alone, but maybe that's not the same thing. I worry about living a life of quiet desperation. I worry about surrounding myself with people who care about things and like creating and exploring more than pretending they're something that they aren't. When I find people like that, I work desperately to try and make them love me, like it's going to replace the understanding that I have never really gotten from my family. I wonder sometimes what people in my Utah wards thought of me. I did my best to fit in most of the time. I think I was more tolerated than appreciated, but I guess we take what we can get in a pinch, no?

I'll share a secret with you though. Maybe I'm not scared about not getting married or being a good Mormon, but I am scared about being wrong about what's interesting and important to center my life around. I moved back to Portland because I wanted to live deliberately, in a manner of my own choosing. Not more evil or more unconstrained by rules... just... different. I'm not Brian, David Snow... or even Granger. I couldn't be if I wanted to. I guess I'm scared that they're on the right path to being happy, and I'm on the right path to... be wierd.

I haven't cut my hair since last June or so, coming up on about seven months now. I don't know how long it will be before I cut it again. It has become wild, unruly, and completely impossible to control or manage. I revel in it's chaos, I suppose. All of my friends seem to love it, which is good. I think what I like about it the most is that it IS different. When I used to get haircuts I always would end up coming away from it disappointed. After every haircut I look more or less the same, only with shorter hair. I've even gone in and said "suprise me, do something totally different than I've ever had!" and at the end, more of the same.

Moving time

Yes, yes, I know I haven't updated. Yes, yes, I know I'm a slacker. Lay off, willya? The holidays were nice, filled with ups and downs. One bit of news is that I've moved to new digs. I'm living with my friends Brian and Rich, and while I have a certain apprehension for the unknown, I think it will be a fun good happy joyjoy place to be.

There isn't really a huge reason why I've not updated, but most of my news and events from the last month are personal (friends, family, illnesses) and the sort of thing I promised I wouldn't fill my blog with.

Decisions

This weekend I spent time at a friend's place, under the pretenses of making christmas cards, but what it really turned into was a fairly intense spiritual discussion. What we know, what is true, what we don't know, what we don't understand. I came away from it not feeling very good. There are so many things, so many big questions in life I am clueless about. I have a lot of big decisions to be making, and I'm not entirely sure how to go about figuring them out.

What do you look at while you're making up your mind? Ours is not a reflective culture, really, we do not raise our eyes up to the hills or bow to the east. Most of the time we decide the most critical things in our lives while staring at a linoleum floor of an institutional corridor or staring at the cheap industrial carpet of some waiting room while a television vomits nonsense.

I walked around my house seeking something, anything. My family didn't take many pictures while I was growing up, so there's not a lot to look back on. Sometimes my parents house feels like it could be anyone's, like anyone could live there. I guess I pace a lot when I'm trying to decide things, I'm not sure why. I guess I wonder how much I can change, how much I can effect, and how the world is going to be within the reach of my arm.

Progress Musically

We did finally end up going with "The 83" as our band name. Yes, there's only four of us. Hey, Ben Folds Five only had three guys, get off my back.

Last night "The 83" played our ward's Christmas party. It wasn't that big a deal, but it was 300 people who at least didn't throw their catered dinners at us. I came away from it feeling sparked. We played well, played tight, and I felt good about my stage presence and energy. I was genuinely having fun up there and one or two people commented that they noticed it (unbidden, no less). We played two originals and a cover of 10k Maniacs "These Are Days". It looks like we may have two shows in January, so hopefully the ball will get rolling soon.

I don't have any hopes or ambitions for our band, I'm just so happy to be creating and making music again. Every one of those basslines I play is MINE. I wrote them, I polished them, I created them. And when I play them for people, simple though they may be, it's me I'm putting out there. Don't worry, I'm not offended if you don't like the songs, I'm just happy to have something that's an extension of me floating out in the air and into your ears. That's why I love making music. It's like speaking a beautiful language that can express things where words fall short.