Boy meets grill.

I love to barbeque.

Flame, raw meat, marinades, spices, I love it. I love watching shows on the food network (aka porn for fat people). I love honing the skills. So last night I went to my friend Kedra's birthday party and they were going to barbeque. Now, this will sound sexist, but I have yet to meet a woman that's knowledgeable in the ways of the grill. It's usually all like "um, so you turn it on and then throw the meat on... rrright?".

Sigh.

So I got my grill on. I prepared for this probability by whipping up some generic steak rub: corn starch, black pepper, season salt, garlic salt, crushed bullion, oregano, chili powder, onion powder... shake it all up and rub it on. And low, I did grilleth steaks, burgers, whipped up some grilled cajun shrimp, even did corn on the cob for Rich... And the Lord did grin and the people did feast. And there was much rejoicing. Truth be told, I'm poor, and I figured making sure the barbequing went well was the least I could do for Kedra's birthday. So, for those of you not wise in the ways of the grill, let me kick the beat a little something like this, and learn ya:

JAMES' COMMANDMENTS OF GRILLING:

1) When thou grillest a steak or chicken and remove it from the grill, thou shalt let it sit for no less than five minutes. This lets the steak finish cooking and the juices evenly distribute themselves. Fish does not need to rest and should be served immediately, as it loses heat very quickly.

2) Thou shalt not play with thy meat, lest thy go blind (just kidding, that's a myth). This includes picking it up to see if it’s done on the bottom, moving it around, and turning it over every ten seconds. Put the food down and give it a chance to cook. This will give it a chance to sear on the bottom so that it naturally pulls away from the grates and doesn’t stick. If you try to move the food before it’s seared on the bottom, it will definitely stick. This is important with Chicken and fish. Oiling the grill also keeps things from sticking.

3) Thou shalt not cut into your food to see if it’s done. For one thing, it doesn’t really work, since you can’t get a good look at the inside anyway. For another, it lets the juices come pouring out and the food dries out on the grill. The best way to test food is by poking it with your finger. As it cooks, it becomes firmer and firmer. A rare steak feels squishy; a medium steak feels more springy; a well-done steak feels very firm.

4) Thou shalt clean thy grill. This is what a scraper and wire brushes are for. It's easier to do as te grill is cooling down. A clean grill cooks cleanly, and doesn't make your food dirty. This also increases the life of the grill. Seeing an old neglected grill that's never been cleaned is like seeing a hot girl on the street light up a cigarette then wave her positive HIV test at you.. it's just sad.

5) Have fun. Grilling is art and finesse, not science. Once you're comfortable you'll learn that recipies are not instruction manuals that need to be followed down to every last detail. Then your food can truly become a creation of your own. That rub I mentioned earlier.. I literally got a spoon out and threw it together. Why? Because after a while you just know what works.

Thus endth mine epistle of the grill.

And it was good.