Thinking too much.

It's midnight, and I really am thinking too much, but right now there's little else to do. A lot of things have happened this week, and while I like talking about some of the insights and thoughts I might have on this blog, I don't normally talk about actual personal things. It was always such a turnoff for me, people sharing intimate details with complete strangers, almost begging for attention. Like Strong Sad or something, it just makes me get all flaccid and rubbery, or whatever the polar opposite of turned on is. It turns me off like a naked anorexic.

I had a relationship end this week. I didn't think it would bother me, and for a while, it hasn't. People keep asking me how I am, and while I really appreciate having good friends, I guess how I feel about it hasn't completely shaken out yet. I'm a fairly zen person, so this, like with anything, has both good and bad... And what I am focusing on at any given moment makes the difference in my mood. I don't know how I am about this yet. It wasn't the most ideal or greatest relationship, but it was still nice to know someone wanted me, well in real life anyway.

I saw Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind a while back and the basic premise of the movie is that the technology exists to erase memories, or an individual person from our memories. The question then becomes, are we the sum of our memories? If freed from some of the shadows and shackles of our past, would we be different, or merely run head first into the same mistakes again? As I sit here thinking I wonder, would I erase her if I could? There are a lot of things I would change about the past, and even some people I would erase if I could. But... I think for the moment, no... I wouldn't. I'd rather have the knowledge of what small things didn't work for me, and endure the rejection of being dumped, than have that spotless mind. Then again, "Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders." (Nietzsche) Maybe a little instant amnesia juice squirted on the old cerebral cortex mind be better for me now. Honestly, I just don't know.